Little Miss Cranky Pants

Lately I've been on a short fuse. Getting irritated and snapping for the smallest things. Either its from lack of sleep or lack of something else entirely(no not that silly). Today I am trying real hard not to loose it. This day has gone from blah to wanting to bash my head against the wall. First off I force myself to get up only after four hours of sleep to get ready to go with my friend to excercise(the one thing that I've done lately that has been making me feel productive and good about myself). Then I noticed a missed call and a voice message. I found out that my new boss called me to ask me to come in early. I called him back and he let me know that the lady who was scheduled for the evening shift never showed up and they havent been able to reach her. The guy who works mid shift could only work until 9:30pm and so I had to come in at that time when I'm usually scheduled for 11:00pm. I mentioned to him that it was my end of the month and he asked how he could make it up to me. I told him as long as kung pao shrimp and fried rice were waiting for me when I got there. So I went back to bed because there was no way I was going to make it through my audit and end of the month after excercising with four hours of sleep. As I was getting ready my mother informed me that she went through my stuff to find her paperwork that she thinks I stole and said that she also happened to see my credit card bill. Let's just say little miss cranky pants did not take that too well. I FLIPPED a lid. Boy did I rip into her. She kept on telling me that when she was still married to pop she never lost anything, that she could always trust him. Gee thanks mom. She could trust HIM the audulterer and yet not her own daughter. That smarts. It cut real deep and pissed me off all at the same time. After everything I've done for that woman. Putting my life on hold. Watching her back. Taking care of her financially when I had absolutely no experience in even being completely on my own. I just wanted to cry cuz that just sucked. I told her off which of course never makes me feel any better but the anger had to go somewhere. Might as well be at the source. Once at work the CPO tried to get me in trouble with my assistant manager and tried to have me change my routine and system that has worked for me and everyone for three years and now he comes in and tries to change it all. I DONT THINK SO BUCKO. My audit MY WAY. And he can just kiss my ass. (sound whiny and pissy enough for you? and no it's not that time of the month). I also found out from the mid shift guy that they got a hold of the evening shift chick and ya wanna know what she said..."SO WHAT." she said she already had plans so too bad she wasnt coming in. She had to take her kids trickortreating. Must be nice. All I had to do was sacrifice a few hours of sleep and a little bit more of what's left of my sanity but no biggy. Sorry just needed to vent a bit. I'm done now.

Every Step I Take and Then I Slip

Everytime I feel like I've come closer to getting somewhere in my life and I'm feeling good about myself something always usually comes to screw it all up. Usually that something is my mother. I know deep down that it's not her but her illness but it doesnt stop it from hurting...a lot. Every now and then I find myself being that little girl who was so angry and confused huddled up in a locked bathroom on the cold floor crying myself to sleep. My mom never was abusive and she always took care of me and loved me as much as she could. But a part of me can't help hoping that one day my mother would be normal. I know she never meant to make me insecure about myself always commenting on my weight, how I used to be pretty but now I'm not, and now with her mental illness getting worse she has now gotten into the habit of accusing me of stealing her things and moving things around to mess with her head. Today with the leftover euphoria of being free of my totalitarian of a boss my mother accused me of filling her glass of water with coke. I told her I never touched it. And I pointed out that whenever I wanted to drink coke I have the bad habit of drinking out of the bottle. But she insisted that I did and that I'm trying to make her look mental. I blew up of course. It's so much easier to be the evil bitchy daughter than the one who crumples up and cries. You know how I said I'd rather choose the rollercoaster than the merry go round, well right now I'd love it if I could just go on that merry go round. I've worked so hard to get a handle on my emotions, always feeling like I've lost all reason and on the edge of something I'm afraid to define. Many people in my life from family, friends and strangers always commented on how they are amazed at my ability to function even with having to handle my mother's mental illness since I was a kid. They dont really know that I only function because I have to and I never got out of it unscathed. I've become emotionally stunted. Unable to make friends or relationships easily. I'm able to be there for them, to listen to their problems and help them whenever they need me. But for me to let any of them in long enough, to be there for me instead, I cannot. I've held myself apart from everyone around me. Never believing that they would ever understand what I'm feeling. I'm always with the fear that I'd be left on my own if they had any idea what is truely going on in my life. I'm used to being the paraiah in relationships whether it be family or friends. Frankly I dont think any of them can handle it and why should they. I laugh it off, treating every moment of my drama like a joke but deep down I want to scream and cry and scream some more. They think I'm mean because of how I handle my mother. They dont know that I love my mother so much it hurts and I've given my life for her. They dont understand that the one big fear I have is to end up like my mother. To become mentally ill. They dont know how close I've come to losing my mind completely and the only way I cant keep myself sane is to pretend it doesnt matter and doesnt affect me, that I dont care. I grip reality no matter how harsh and ugly it is like a vise. Because it might be ugly but at least it's real. That's not exactly the making of a positive happy life but that's pathetically how I function right now. I dont know any other way. Fear, self loathing and guilt have kept me from trying.

I'm Getting There

So far so good, the T.O.D. is now possibly out of the picture, I've payed a lot into my credit card bills, I have a nice savings fund going in my bucket, my hair is starting to look healthy again, my acne face stuff seems to be working and I've lost almost ten pounds thanks to my new found healthy diet.(go figure and that's without exercise) Life is going good right now. The only noose hanging around my neck right now is my dilemma with my medical bills. Doing that check list kind of help put things into perspective. I'm trying to lessen my worries one step at a time and that list helps.

Financial Stupidity

This past week I received a pre-screened loan for five grand with a certain bank and called a couple of days ago to see if I'd be approved. The loan wasnt to pay my debt since I'm happy with my credit cards apr but to pay off my mother's. Her apr is at 24.9 apr and I was hoping to get her this loan so she could get it at a lower apr rate. I did get approved but at a rate of 28.4 % apr. The lady on the phone tried to talk me into it when I decided to cancel the loan. I'm sorry do these financial people think I have "stupid" tatooed on my forhead or something. I can do the math ya know. Plus I used to work for that stupid company through another financial office. So there went my plans to lessen the financial burben for my mom. Well when one plan gets nixed its on to plan B or should it be C or D by now. Oh well back to the drawing board. And here's a little note to those financial companies ...it's not nice to be vultures who make it a habit to prey on the less fortunate and sadly many who are not knowledgable in financial company's dirty tricks they go for those scams. Shame, shame on you companies that make money off of the back's of hardworking citizens.

Why Worry Be Happy

I find myself worrying about the smallest and dumbest stuff lately. And it just piles on the other crap I worry about that are important. It's causing a lot of stress that I need to get rid of. I was reading the magazine BODY + SOUL and saw an article about all the different types of worrying and I found out I'm pretty much every type of worrier in little ways. It told me to list all the things I worry about and go through each one to figure out which one to let go. I have started my list and so far I have several pages worth. Can we say I'm fracked? What can a single twenty five year old with no house, no car and no kids possibly worry about? A lot it seems. For one I might not have a kid but I do have a mother who I've had to worry about since I was a kid. See my mother is a paranoid pschitzophrenic. I have to worry about her financially and mentally sometimes. And I've grown up with the fear that one day I might be just like her one day. It's part of the reason why I don't get too close to people. I'm always afraid that my baggage will scare people away. Another worry is the T.O.D. which is a nick name I have given to my boss. It stands for Tyrannical Oppressive Despot which is what I got from a book I read by Meg Cabot. My boss who I have compared to Chairman Mao because of her totalitarian tactics has been one major headache and constant worry. You see she has the tendency to be a vendictive, manipulative, and sneaky biatch. Both of those worries and issues have been discussed in my blogs from myspace. I've bitched and moaned, whined and complained to the point where my diatribe has been exhausted. It helps though to vent and since my friends and family are subscribed to my blogs and makes it even better because they know all about that crap and have been there for me through a lot of it. It can be very theraputic to rant and rave to my friends and family but with this blog I can rant and rave about almost everything else. My friends and sister have been amazed at my ability to be completely open and honest on my blogs. I rarely leave anything out. I feel that with the years of therapy as a child have helped me forthright with a lot of my thoughts and feelings to strangers more easily than with the people in my life. Something about telling a complete stranger all my problems are far more freeing and easier. I figure if I can pay some stranger a hundred bucks an hour to hear my problems then what's the big deal with sharing with a bunch of strangers on the net for free. I figure I save a few hundred, let loose all my crap and know that there are real people who can commiserate. Soon I will be listing my long ass list of the worries that run around in that freaky little mind of mine all day long and I will assess which ones to chuck as unimportant and which ones I actually have to deal with and how I'm going to go about it. Here's to being stress free and to healthy living.

Life Stuck in Pause

Today is another day of endless nothingness. Meaning absolutely nothing productive or eventful will happen today. Lately and when I say lately I mean for the past several months I have indulged in a whole lot of laziness. With only the occasional events I force myself to join. I have now missed three semesters at school. After the whole medical crisis you would think that would make me want to experience life to its fullest and honestly I really was getting there and somewhere in my road to the new and improved me I lost momentum. Where I lost it I have no clue. How I find it ...well one tip for myself...step one remove ones head out of ones ass and deal with life when it comes. See I have a incredible knack for procrastination and ducking under the covers until all the bad stuff go away. Well sadly in my life that's kind of pointless since I have a lot of that in my life. Usually I deal with it when it comes and sometimes with ability to move through it like a pro. Lately however, especially with my medical bills I've been avoiding it intirely. Pretending it'll all just go away. Not exactly the way to go but it's right now how I function. If you can call it functioning at all. Now the avoidance with that particular responsibility has come to a head. One where its giving me a really bad migraine. Usually procrastination works in my favor, unfortunately this isnt one of those moments where I luckily get through it unscathed. Not only will I probably not go unscathed at this point but I will probably end up paying for it BIG time at the end of all this. CRAP. What worked for me in highschool definitely does NOT work for me in my adulthood. CRAP. You know the saying cant teach an old dog new tricks, I'm not old but you catch my drift... I also have a horrible habit of starting things and then not finishing them. Or I just wait to do it, go to the next thing because I get bored and then go back to it when I really need to. Like when it goes to shit, i.e cleaning my closet. Went in there to try to find my old medical insurance book and while I rumaged through endless junk I lost my balance and landed on one of my organizing shelfs. This of course was one of the cheap cube stack a shelf and thus collapsed squashing my comics which were neatly filed on it. Now I have another little hill of crap that I have to go through among the other little hills that I have yet to go through.

Now lets talk money, my sign being the bull and all ,supposedly is really good with money. Hah what a load of bull. Ok sure I can at times make money suddenly come out of nowhere when I desperately need it and I am really good at saving the change into a jar or in my case a bucket. But my inability to save money not for the lack of trying, makes me want to smash my head against a wall. I create goals like saving for my trip to New York which I finally was able to achieve. But saving for my laptop and motorcycle has been a constant failure on my part since I have been "saving" since highschool. True a lot of that has to do with sudden emergencies and more important things that need to be paid for before I get what I want. But also mostly it has to do with my inability to be thrifty. The impulse buyer in me has become an ugly monster completely taking over my sensibilities. And now that the plain jane has suddenly found that wonderful thing called makeup which to many of you women have been introduced to this thing since birth and have embraced it. I however have been introduced to it many a times but have only truely discovered its addictive creation as of late. Now not only does my geeky spending habits dwindle my cashflow but now my trips to Sephora and Ulta have made it impossible to really get my finances in order. And when I say geeky I mean geeky. Just last week I dropped almost fifty dollars on my comic books. It's just a good thing I dont live in L.A. anymore because my monthly trips to the scifi convention at the Shrine always made me broke.

I'll just give you a run-through on what this geek has wasted her money on. A Luke Skywalker lightsaber, talking Yoda, over a hundred comic books, marvel cards, more than six hundred movies, hockey memorabilia, posters, and loads of other crap. Oh and dont forget my Heffalump stuffed animals and Rainbow Bright dolls. I did say I can be a child at times. I didnt mean just my attitude, I also meant that I like toys and all that other stuff that come with it.

Cant Help Who You Like...YEAH WELL I'M GONNA TRY

For more than six years I have not had that butterfly in the stomach feeling. Lately I have and of course after all this time it had to be not only a friend and coworker but one who is taken. I'm sorry but I've been there done that. For a while I've been trying to deny it but after dreaming about him without wanting to, I have come to the conclusion that I'm stuck on stupid when it comes to the opposite sex. I finally confided my issues with my best friend since fourth grade. She's been there through every humiliation and heartache. My track record for being attracted to the ones that I have absolutely no chance with is long standing. She tells me its because I know that they are unavailable or not interested. That fact that its probably true has not escaped me. I'm sure that subconsciously I am attracted to these guys because there will be no doubt that it will go any further than me pining away like a moron. It's safe...no actual relationship can come out of a delusion. She asked me if I had missed the butterflies in the stomach feeling. I said NO , no fracking way. I feel like I want to throw up when I get them. And all its ever brought me is a sign that I'm going to act like an ass pretty soon. You know what I mean that adolesant moment when your hands get sweaty, your stomach feels as if you just got sucker punched and you feel kind of dizzy. Then the stupid dippy girl comes out thus ensuring that you will humiliate yourself in front of the one you like. I might be twentyfive but I have the actions of a thirteen year old with her first crush. Hell now in these days the average thirteen year old is sadly more seasoned in the "love" department. Hell I know many eleven year olds who have already had more than one boyfriend. I personally have a lot to learn in the department. I have only dated one guy and that was only twice and we're are going to forgo THAT particular juction in my life for I like to pretend it EVER happened. He was the only one I've kissed. (And no I'm not fracking with you...its true)
And that was mostly an experiment just to get the dating and kissing part out of the way otherwise I'd be twenty five and never been kissed. My friend mentioned to me that since I have been boy crazy since I was a little girl she always figured I'd have a string of boys by now. It's true that I used be the type to go up to the guy and just tell him that I liked him but I'm just a tad bit more cautious now. After the many times I've had my little girl heart stomped on I have become more guarded. Let me just glide through the list of my adolesant humiliating moments. Middle school. I liked a guy and asked him to the Valentine dance, he said he'd meet me there. He never showed. Eight grade I liked a classmate and one of my friends asked him if he liked me too and he told her "eww her, no way."(yeah thanks for that by the way pal) Freshman in highschool I had a bit of a crush on a Junior so I sent him one of those flower and candy thingys that they pass out during fourth period to the ones who got valentines. The guy ended up giving it to the girl he liked(ouch!) When I transfered to a new school I became close friends to a guy and didnt develope feelings for him until the next year. Well I thought we were close friends until I wrote a letter telling him how I felt and gave it to him. I later saw him with his friends circling around him while he read the letter and they were laughing (now that was the beginning of the end. That really hurt) After that I didnt like any guy until a year out of highschool and became friends with a guy I met near where I worked. I never told him that I liked him even after he invited me to his house party. Lets just say at the time my self esteem wasnt very high and he was rich, smart, older and good looking. I felt I was completely out of my league. And then my roommate who fucked with my head but thats another issue. A year later a guy younger than me asked me out and I figured he was okay and safe to go out with. He picked me up at work, had nothing planned for the date and everytime I kept suggesting something he would say " I dont know whatever you wanna do" (I dont know about you but I found that annoying) I then suggested to go see a movie and we or I should say I settled with Tomb Raider. I wanted to see it and I figured there was enough action and Angelina Jolie for him. So we went, suggested we sneak in.(did he think we were still in high school?) and I said he could but that I would pay for mine. He said he didnt want me to waste my money but said fine. First we went in to the arcade before buying my ticket. As I was playing Star wars pinball he said he needed to use the restroom. Needless to say after fifteen minutes I had the sinking feeling he wasnt coming back. Either that or he had some really bad frejoles and was stuck in the crapper. I called my friend and told her and she said to wait ten more minutes and so I did and then decided to check where he parked his car. YUP that's right it was EMPTY. I was ditched and left behind to walk fifteen blocks back home. Then came the coworker a year or so later. That's the one I went out with and kissed for the first time. And then he bacame turd when I wouldnt go all the way with him. Ever since then I have not been inclined to date the many frogs just to find that so called prince. Now back to the present. I have to realize my growing attraction for my friend/slash coworker but you bette believe its not by choice and I'm doing everything in my power to ixnay those damn stupid butterfly moments. I'm just hoping that I have enough control on my body functions to not turn beet red when I'm with him and unitentionally make googly eyes at him. Also must keep my ability to talk normally. Because I have a tendency to ramble more than usual and insert both feet and stammer like an idiot. I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO BE A DIPPY GIRLIE GIRL.

BODY SHUTTING DOWN

I've been really exhausted lately. Not just because I havent had a day off since August 25. That was the last day I had any time for myself to have fun. My friend and I went to see La Boheme. Since then my days have consisted of working 8 hours or more everyday and TRYING to go to sleep. My brain has not let me have peace for a while. It's probably due to stress at work, the fact that they have yet to find a relief auditor, and the added stress of my health insurance taking their sweet ass time paying my medical bills which have so far racked up to almost five grand. I havent even gone back to the doctor's to get the rest of my results from the xrays and ultrasounds I took. It's not the smartest thing I've done I know but I figure or at least hope that if they found something really bad they would leave a message on my voice mail. I've been dodging most of the calls because most of them are from one medical billing place or another wanting some payment of some sort. Well sorry but I'm not paying all those bills. I'm waiting for my health insurance to pay at least most of it. I dont pay over a hundred smackers for my insurance for them not to pay at least half of that. I still havent been feeling well and my doctor had already told me to take it easy and take better care of myself. Also I'm supposed to have lots of rest and less stress. Huh I guess I'm not doing to well on that end am I. I'm also supposed to be going for physical therapy for my shoulder where a dislocated bone as sort of set in place. It was from a spill I took in front of many tourists in front of the Alamo. I landed almost face down like a tree going TIMBER!!! I ended up throughing out my arm. At the time I just figured that it was slightly sprained until a couple of months after when I had a hard time moving it. WHOOPS! I went to go to a chiropractor and he was suprised to fined many of my bones misaligned and that was also when I found out that I had a dislocated bone on my shoulder. I'm supposed to go regularly but I havent because I dont want to add more unpaid bills that I have to deal with all because my stupid insurance is slow paying it. Now I'm out of pain medication because I took the last one tonight because of a reeeaaally bad migrane. I havent gotten a refill in a while because I didnt want to get too used to taking it. They are the type of pain killers that can become addictive so I'm not taking that chance. I only take it when I have absolutely no choice and a Tylenol didnt do the trick. Right now I think I'm coming down with something but I absolutely refuse to let my body crash on me because I dont exactly have a choice. No one else is trained to do what I do here at work. I cant really let on to my mom, family and friends how I'm feeling because they will harp on me to either call in sick or go to the doctors. And I'm not going to the doctors until my crappy insurance pays the fracking bills.

INTRODUCTION to MOI

I know I could have probably done this on my "ABOUT ME" but I figured this is where I can get into more detail and plus this is where I am now. The "about me" is a generalization of my essence as a whole. I'm not exactly sure where to start so I'll just put in stuff randomly. First off my apologize right off the bat for my poor grammar, run on sentences and bad spelling. Also for all the vulgar language. You'll learn that I have a potty mouth.

Despite my tendency for crudeness I have a strong belief in God but not religion. I was born Catholic but have not been a practicing one for a while. I'm half Filipino and part Irish, Scottish, Swedish and English. I'm the only daughter of my mother who was born and raised in the Phillipines and the third daughter of my father who was born and raised in San Antonio, Texas. I have two older half sisters. Through my fathers current wife I also sort of have a step adopted brother. I was born in Los Angeles, California but had lived in the Phillippines and Hawaii all by the time I was five. We then finally settled in Los Angeles again to be near my dad. My mother and I had been somewhat gypsy like except within the same community. My mother made sure I stayed in one school while we moved from one garage, room, hellhole to another. I did live with my dad and step mother for a year and a half during my sophmore and junior year in highschool in San Bruno, California. This is where I believe I blossomed as an individual and finally became comfortable with my own skin. I moved back home to graduate with my old friends and be with my mother for my last year. After highschool I decided I wasnt ready for college and just took on Photojournalism course in Pasadena city college. After a few months I decided it was time to spread my wings on my own. I decided to room in with my sister in San Bruno. Within four days of moving there I was already starting two jobs. That was the beginning of bouncing from one job to another. After over a year my mother was having financial difficulties so I packed my bags once again and moved back home to help her out. It got to be to expensive to live in L.A. when I was the one solely responsible for paying the bills. I had a bright idea of moving to San Antonio where at least I had my pops side of the family living there. Within three weeks we moved all our stuff with the help of my pop, sis and friends and drove to San Antonio, Texas. Now here we are four years later living in the nicest place I've ever lived in my life and me with a steady job that I've worked in for three years where it is slowly but surely sucking the life out of me. I occasionally attend classes at a private art school whenever I can fit it to my night auditor schedule and afford it. Eventually in two years I plan to finally move out on my own to New York City where I visited during my vacation and instantly fell in love with the city. Hopefully I can do this by the time I feel my mother is financially able to cope without me. I have never once lived on my own and I feel I need at least the experiance without my overly protective mother hovering over me.

My goal is to eventually finish school and get a degree in Photography and maybe minor in Russian history. And dispite the pitfalls and mistakes that have happened in my life I refuse to give up my dreams and goals no matter if doesnt fit my time table that I made when I was 12. I have learned to deal with the major and minor bumps in the road like everything in my life...as a lesson learn and character builder. Life is not truly lived if you take risks and go through changes. Like my sophmore English class when asked which would you rather have, a life that's like a roller coaster or the merry go round. I was amazed to see most of my peers choose the merry go round. I was the only one who chose the roller coaster. I felt then as I do now that without those many ups and downs you dont learn, change and grow. And to me that's not life...that's just existing. So here I am trying not to just exist and force myself sometimes out of complacency and try to experience new things. While I have these experiences and also contemplations about life and other things I will try to keep you abreast about it all.