Every Step I Take and Then I Slip

Everytime I feel like I've come closer to getting somewhere in my life and I'm feeling good about myself something always usually comes to screw it all up. Usually that something is my mother. I know deep down that it's not her but her illness but it doesnt stop it from hurting...a lot. Every now and then I find myself being that little girl who was so angry and confused huddled up in a locked bathroom on the cold floor crying myself to sleep. My mom never was abusive and she always took care of me and loved me as much as she could. But a part of me can't help hoping that one day my mother would be normal. I know she never meant to make me insecure about myself always commenting on my weight, how I used to be pretty but now I'm not, and now with her mental illness getting worse she has now gotten into the habit of accusing me of stealing her things and moving things around to mess with her head. Today with the leftover euphoria of being free of my totalitarian of a boss my mother accused me of filling her glass of water with coke. I told her I never touched it. And I pointed out that whenever I wanted to drink coke I have the bad habit of drinking out of the bottle. But she insisted that I did and that I'm trying to make her look mental. I blew up of course. It's so much easier to be the evil bitchy daughter than the one who crumples up and cries. You know how I said I'd rather choose the rollercoaster than the merry go round, well right now I'd love it if I could just go on that merry go round. I've worked so hard to get a handle on my emotions, always feeling like I've lost all reason and on the edge of something I'm afraid to define. Many people in my life from family, friends and strangers always commented on how they are amazed at my ability to function even with having to handle my mother's mental illness since I was a kid. They dont really know that I only function because I have to and I never got out of it unscathed. I've become emotionally stunted. Unable to make friends or relationships easily. I'm able to be there for them, to listen to their problems and help them whenever they need me. But for me to let any of them in long enough, to be there for me instead, I cannot. I've held myself apart from everyone around me. Never believing that they would ever understand what I'm feeling. I'm always with the fear that I'd be left on my own if they had any idea what is truely going on in my life. I'm used to being the paraiah in relationships whether it be family or friends. Frankly I dont think any of them can handle it and why should they. I laugh it off, treating every moment of my drama like a joke but deep down I want to scream and cry and scream some more. They think I'm mean because of how I handle my mother. They dont know that I love my mother so much it hurts and I've given my life for her. They dont understand that the one big fear I have is to end up like my mother. To become mentally ill. They dont know how close I've come to losing my mind completely and the only way I cant keep myself sane is to pretend it doesnt matter and doesnt affect me, that I dont care. I grip reality no matter how harsh and ugly it is like a vise. Because it might be ugly but at least it's real. That's not exactly the making of a positive happy life but that's pathetically how I function right now. I dont know any other way. Fear, self loathing and guilt have kept me from trying.