For more than six years I have not had that butterfly in the stomach feeling. Lately I have and of course after all this time it had to be not only a friend and coworker but one who is taken. I'm sorry but I've been there done that. For a while I've been trying to deny it but after dreaming about him without wanting to, I have come to the conclusion that I'm stuck on stupid when it comes to the opposite sex. I finally confided my issues with my best friend since fourth grade. She's been there through every humiliation and heartache. My track record for being attracted to the ones that I have absolutely no chance with is long standing. She tells me its because I know that they are unavailable or not interested. That fact that its probably true has not escaped me. I'm sure that subconsciously I am attracted to these guys because there will be no doubt that it will go any further than me pining away like a moron. It's safe...no actual relationship can come out of a delusion. She asked me if I had missed the butterflies in the stomach feeling. I said NO , no fracking way. I feel like I want to throw up when I get them. And all its ever brought me is a sign that I'm going to act like an ass pretty soon. You know what I mean that adolesant moment when your hands get sweaty, your stomach feels as if you just got sucker punched and you feel kind of dizzy. Then the stupid dippy girl comes out thus ensuring that you will humiliate yourself in front of the one you like. I might be twentyfive but I have the actions of a thirteen year old with her first crush. Hell now in these days the average thirteen year old is sadly more seasoned in the "love" department. Hell I know many eleven year olds who have already had more than one boyfriend. I personally have a lot to learn in the department. I have only dated one guy and that was only twice and we're are going to forgo THAT particular juction in my life for I like to pretend it EVER happened. He was the only one I've kissed. (And no I'm not fracking with you...its true)
And that was mostly an experiment just to get the dating and kissing part out of the way otherwise I'd be twenty five and never been kissed. My friend mentioned to me that since I have been boy crazy since I was a little girl she always figured I'd have a string of boys by now. It's true that I used be the type to go up to the guy and just tell him that I liked him but I'm just a tad bit more cautious now. After the many times I've had my little girl heart stomped on I have become more guarded. Let me just glide through the list of my adolesant humiliating moments. Middle school. I liked a guy and asked him to the Valentine dance, he said he'd meet me there. He never showed. Eight grade I liked a classmate and one of my friends asked him if he liked me too and he told her "eww her, no way."(yeah thanks for that by the way pal) Freshman in highschool I had a bit of a crush on a Junior so I sent him one of those flower and candy thingys that they pass out during fourth period to the ones who got valentines. The guy ended up giving it to the girl he liked(ouch!) When I transfered to a new school I became close friends to a guy and didnt develope feelings for him until the next year. Well I thought we were close friends until I wrote a letter telling him how I felt and gave it to him. I later saw him with his friends circling around him while he read the letter and they were laughing (now that was the beginning of the end. That really hurt) After that I didnt like any guy until a year out of highschool and became friends with a guy I met near where I worked. I never told him that I liked him even after he invited me to his house party. Lets just say at the time my self esteem wasnt very high and he was rich, smart, older and good looking. I felt I was completely out of my league. And then my roommate who fucked with my head but thats another issue. A year later a guy younger than me asked me out and I figured he was okay and safe to go out with. He picked me up at work, had nothing planned for the date and everytime I kept suggesting something he would say " I dont know whatever you wanna do" (I dont know about you but I found that annoying) I then suggested to go see a movie and we or I should say I settled with Tomb Raider. I wanted to see it and I figured there was enough action and Angelina Jolie for him. So we went, suggested we sneak in.(did he think we were still in high school?) and I said he could but that I would pay for mine. He said he didnt want me to waste my money but said fine. First we went in to the arcade before buying my ticket. As I was playing Star wars pinball he said he needed to use the restroom. Needless to say after fifteen minutes I had the sinking feeling he wasnt coming back. Either that or he had some really bad frejoles and was stuck in the crapper. I called my friend and told her and she said to wait ten more minutes and so I did and then decided to check where he parked his car. YUP that's right it was EMPTY. I was ditched and left behind to walk fifteen blocks back home. Then came the coworker a year or so later. That's the one I went out with and kissed for the first time. And then he bacame turd when I wouldnt go all the way with him. Ever since then I have not been inclined to date the many frogs just to find that so called prince. Now back to the present. I have to realize my growing attraction for my friend/slash coworker but you bette believe its not by choice and I'm doing everything in my power to ixnay those damn stupid butterfly moments. I'm just hoping that I have enough control on my body functions to not turn beet red when I'm with him and unitentionally make googly eyes at him. Also must keep my ability to talk normally. Because I have a tendency to ramble more than usual and insert both feet and stammer like an idiot. I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO BE A DIPPY GIRLIE GIRL.
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