STAYED STRONG...DIDN'T CALL HIM

I know it's been a while and I'm not sure if I ever mentioned the little issue that is Mark. Well in case I haven't made myself clear...I'm in love with him. Events transpired several months ago where I felt compelled to finally reveal my feelings. Of course I didn't elaborate to the point of telling him that I loved him but that I liked him. I do have some pride after all. Well since then there have been several times it has come clear to me that he doesn't want to be a part of my life in any shape or form; not even as friends. I have come to accept this as our fate and have begun the process of getting over him. Slowly but surely I will, even if it kills me. Of course I am being overly dramatic as usual but this is the first time in my life that I ever let down my barriers long enough to be smacked in the face with love. I didn't go looking for it. It just slowly and sneakily came to me. One moment I had a slight long time attraction for my buddy and the next moment I found my self making googly eyes at him, my heart was pounding and I was drooling. I found myself thinking about him twenty-four seven. The sound of his name, his voice and seeing him was enough to make me want to do back flips ( of course I wouldn't never attempt this even if I wanted to for fear of my back going out...which it most definitely would) Let me explain why this is weird. I might seem like the romantic type but in truth I'm a romantic realist. I might want and wish for all that but am not delusional enough to believe in all that crap. Plus I put myself in relationship Siberia for most of my twenty six years. Now how I found myself hearing the birds sing, wanting skip in a meadow of daffodils and everything that is Disney (GAG!), I do not know. One minute I was telling myself and everyone else that dating and love was just not for me and the next I found myself hoping that it could actually be possible that the self proclaimed ice queen could have finally melted the ice that she let surround her heart. When I told him how I felt he was at least nice about it and didn't make me feel like a total loser but in his actions he has made it quite clear that he is not comfortable with having me in his life. So here it is, a day after his birthday and I have been able to keep myself from calling or texting him to wish him a happy birthday because even if my friend has told me that even if I did there would be nothing wrong with that, I know that if he didn't respond back I'd be hurt (when did I become so sensitive) and so what if he did... what then. Absolutely nothing. So I'd be wasting my time and that's no help to me in moving on. He doesn't want to be friends then fine I can live with that. I'm not delusional. I know that even trying to stay in his life with some lame excuse to try to contact him won't work. You know that book "He's Just Not That Into You"? Well I don't need to read that to know that he totally and completely isn't. So here I am lamer than lame being happy with my small piece of victory in not having called him. That would just make me seem desperate while just blogging about me not calling him at least just makes me a dork. I'm cool with that.

Little Miss Cranky Pants

Lately I've been on a short fuse. Getting irritated and snapping for the smallest things. Either its from lack of sleep or lack of something else entirely(no not that silly). Today I am trying real hard not to loose it. This day has gone from blah to wanting to bash my head against the wall. First off I force myself to get up only after four hours of sleep to get ready to go with my friend to excercise(the one thing that I've done lately that has been making me feel productive and good about myself). Then I noticed a missed call and a voice message. I found out that my new boss called me to ask me to come in early. I called him back and he let me know that the lady who was scheduled for the evening shift never showed up and they havent been able to reach her. The guy who works mid shift could only work until 9:30pm and so I had to come in at that time when I'm usually scheduled for 11:00pm. I mentioned to him that it was my end of the month and he asked how he could make it up to me. I told him as long as kung pao shrimp and fried rice were waiting for me when I got there. So I went back to bed because there was no way I was going to make it through my audit and end of the month after excercising with four hours of sleep. As I was getting ready my mother informed me that she went through my stuff to find her paperwork that she thinks I stole and said that she also happened to see my credit card bill. Let's just say little miss cranky pants did not take that too well. I FLIPPED a lid. Boy did I rip into her. She kept on telling me that when she was still married to pop she never lost anything, that she could always trust him. Gee thanks mom. She could trust HIM the audulterer and yet not her own daughter. That smarts. It cut real deep and pissed me off all at the same time. After everything I've done for that woman. Putting my life on hold. Watching her back. Taking care of her financially when I had absolutely no experience in even being completely on my own. I just wanted to cry cuz that just sucked. I told her off which of course never makes me feel any better but the anger had to go somewhere. Might as well be at the source. Once at work the CPO tried to get me in trouble with my assistant manager and tried to have me change my routine and system that has worked for me and everyone for three years and now he comes in and tries to change it all. I DONT THINK SO BUCKO. My audit MY WAY. And he can just kiss my ass. (sound whiny and pissy enough for you? and no it's not that time of the month). I also found out from the mid shift guy that they got a hold of the evening shift chick and ya wanna know what she said..."SO WHAT." she said she already had plans so too bad she wasnt coming in. She had to take her kids trickortreating. Must be nice. All I had to do was sacrifice a few hours of sleep and a little bit more of what's left of my sanity but no biggy. Sorry just needed to vent a bit. I'm done now.

Every Step I Take and Then I Slip

Everytime I feel like I've come closer to getting somewhere in my life and I'm feeling good about myself something always usually comes to screw it all up. Usually that something is my mother. I know deep down that it's not her but her illness but it doesnt stop it from hurting...a lot. Every now and then I find myself being that little girl who was so angry and confused huddled up in a locked bathroom on the cold floor crying myself to sleep. My mom never was abusive and she always took care of me and loved me as much as she could. But a part of me can't help hoping that one day my mother would be normal. I know she never meant to make me insecure about myself always commenting on my weight, how I used to be pretty but now I'm not, and now with her mental illness getting worse she has now gotten into the habit of accusing me of stealing her things and moving things around to mess with her head. Today with the leftover euphoria of being free of my totalitarian of a boss my mother accused me of filling her glass of water with coke. I told her I never touched it. And I pointed out that whenever I wanted to drink coke I have the bad habit of drinking out of the bottle. But she insisted that I did and that I'm trying to make her look mental. I blew up of course. It's so much easier to be the evil bitchy daughter than the one who crumples up and cries. You know how I said I'd rather choose the rollercoaster than the merry go round, well right now I'd love it if I could just go on that merry go round. I've worked so hard to get a handle on my emotions, always feeling like I've lost all reason and on the edge of something I'm afraid to define. Many people in my life from family, friends and strangers always commented on how they are amazed at my ability to function even with having to handle my mother's mental illness since I was a kid. They dont really know that I only function because I have to and I never got out of it unscathed. I've become emotionally stunted. Unable to make friends or relationships easily. I'm able to be there for them, to listen to their problems and help them whenever they need me. But for me to let any of them in long enough, to be there for me instead, I cannot. I've held myself apart from everyone around me. Never believing that they would ever understand what I'm feeling. I'm always with the fear that I'd be left on my own if they had any idea what is truely going on in my life. I'm used to being the paraiah in relationships whether it be family or friends. Frankly I dont think any of them can handle it and why should they. I laugh it off, treating every moment of my drama like a joke but deep down I want to scream and cry and scream some more. They think I'm mean because of how I handle my mother. They dont know that I love my mother so much it hurts and I've given my life for her. They dont understand that the one big fear I have is to end up like my mother. To become mentally ill. They dont know how close I've come to losing my mind completely and the only way I cant keep myself sane is to pretend it doesnt matter and doesnt affect me, that I dont care. I grip reality no matter how harsh and ugly it is like a vise. Because it might be ugly but at least it's real. That's not exactly the making of a positive happy life but that's pathetically how I function right now. I dont know any other way. Fear, self loathing and guilt have kept me from trying.

I'm Getting There

So far so good, the T.O.D. is now possibly out of the picture, I've payed a lot into my credit card bills, I have a nice savings fund going in my bucket, my hair is starting to look healthy again, my acne face stuff seems to be working and I've lost almost ten pounds thanks to my new found healthy diet.(go figure and that's without exercise) Life is going good right now. The only noose hanging around my neck right now is my dilemma with my medical bills. Doing that check list kind of help put things into perspective. I'm trying to lessen my worries one step at a time and that list helps.

Financial Stupidity

This past week I received a pre-screened loan for five grand with a certain bank and called a couple of days ago to see if I'd be approved. The loan wasnt to pay my debt since I'm happy with my credit cards apr but to pay off my mother's. Her apr is at 24.9 apr and I was hoping to get her this loan so she could get it at a lower apr rate. I did get approved but at a rate of 28.4 % apr. The lady on the phone tried to talk me into it when I decided to cancel the loan. I'm sorry do these financial people think I have "stupid" tatooed on my forhead or something. I can do the math ya know. Plus I used to work for that stupid company through another financial office. So there went my plans to lessen the financial burben for my mom. Well when one plan gets nixed its on to plan B or should it be C or D by now. Oh well back to the drawing board. And here's a little note to those financial companies ...it's not nice to be vultures who make it a habit to prey on the less fortunate and sadly many who are not knowledgable in financial company's dirty tricks they go for those scams. Shame, shame on you companies that make money off of the back's of hardworking citizens.

Why Worry Be Happy

I find myself worrying about the smallest and dumbest stuff lately. And it just piles on the other crap I worry about that are important. It's causing a lot of stress that I need to get rid of. I was reading the magazine BODY + SOUL and saw an article about all the different types of worrying and I found out I'm pretty much every type of worrier in little ways. It told me to list all the things I worry about and go through each one to figure out which one to let go. I have started my list and so far I have several pages worth. Can we say I'm fracked? What can a single twenty five year old with no house, no car and no kids possibly worry about? A lot it seems. For one I might not have a kid but I do have a mother who I've had to worry about since I was a kid. See my mother is a paranoid pschitzophrenic. I have to worry about her financially and mentally sometimes. And I've grown up with the fear that one day I might be just like her one day. It's part of the reason why I don't get too close to people. I'm always afraid that my baggage will scare people away. Another worry is the T.O.D. which is a nick name I have given to my boss. It stands for Tyrannical Oppressive Despot which is what I got from a book I read by Meg Cabot. My boss who I have compared to Chairman Mao because of her totalitarian tactics has been one major headache and constant worry. You see she has the tendency to be a vendictive, manipulative, and sneaky biatch. Both of those worries and issues have been discussed in my blogs from myspace. I've bitched and moaned, whined and complained to the point where my diatribe has been exhausted. It helps though to vent and since my friends and family are subscribed to my blogs and makes it even better because they know all about that crap and have been there for me through a lot of it. It can be very theraputic to rant and rave to my friends and family but with this blog I can rant and rave about almost everything else. My friends and sister have been amazed at my ability to be completely open and honest on my blogs. I rarely leave anything out. I feel that with the years of therapy as a child have helped me forthright with a lot of my thoughts and feelings to strangers more easily than with the people in my life. Something about telling a complete stranger all my problems are far more freeing and easier. I figure if I can pay some stranger a hundred bucks an hour to hear my problems then what's the big deal with sharing with a bunch of strangers on the net for free. I figure I save a few hundred, let loose all my crap and know that there are real people who can commiserate. Soon I will be listing my long ass list of the worries that run around in that freaky little mind of mine all day long and I will assess which ones to chuck as unimportant and which ones I actually have to deal with and how I'm going to go about it. Here's to being stress free and to healthy living.

Life Stuck in Pause

Today is another day of endless nothingness. Meaning absolutely nothing productive or eventful will happen today. Lately and when I say lately I mean for the past several months I have indulged in a whole lot of laziness. With only the occasional events I force myself to join. I have now missed three semesters at school. After the whole medical crisis you would think that would make me want to experience life to its fullest and honestly I really was getting there and somewhere in my road to the new and improved me I lost momentum. Where I lost it I have no clue. How I find it ...well one tip for myself...step one remove ones head out of ones ass and deal with life when it comes. See I have a incredible knack for procrastination and ducking under the covers until all the bad stuff go away. Well sadly in my life that's kind of pointless since I have a lot of that in my life. Usually I deal with it when it comes and sometimes with ability to move through it like a pro. Lately however, especially with my medical bills I've been avoiding it intirely. Pretending it'll all just go away. Not exactly the way to go but it's right now how I function. If you can call it functioning at all. Now the avoidance with that particular responsibility has come to a head. One where its giving me a really bad migraine. Usually procrastination works in my favor, unfortunately this isnt one of those moments where I luckily get through it unscathed. Not only will I probably not go unscathed at this point but I will probably end up paying for it BIG time at the end of all this. CRAP. What worked for me in highschool definitely does NOT work for me in my adulthood. CRAP. You know the saying cant teach an old dog new tricks, I'm not old but you catch my drift... I also have a horrible habit of starting things and then not finishing them. Or I just wait to do it, go to the next thing because I get bored and then go back to it when I really need to. Like when it goes to shit, i.e cleaning my closet. Went in there to try to find my old medical insurance book and while I rumaged through endless junk I lost my balance and landed on one of my organizing shelfs. This of course was one of the cheap cube stack a shelf and thus collapsed squashing my comics which were neatly filed on it. Now I have another little hill of crap that I have to go through among the other little hills that I have yet to go through.

Now lets talk money, my sign being the bull and all ,supposedly is really good with money. Hah what a load of bull. Ok sure I can at times make money suddenly come out of nowhere when I desperately need it and I am really good at saving the change into a jar or in my case a bucket. But my inability to save money not for the lack of trying, makes me want to smash my head against a wall. I create goals like saving for my trip to New York which I finally was able to achieve. But saving for my laptop and motorcycle has been a constant failure on my part since I have been "saving" since highschool. True a lot of that has to do with sudden emergencies and more important things that need to be paid for before I get what I want. But also mostly it has to do with my inability to be thrifty. The impulse buyer in me has become an ugly monster completely taking over my sensibilities. And now that the plain jane has suddenly found that wonderful thing called makeup which to many of you women have been introduced to this thing since birth and have embraced it. I however have been introduced to it many a times but have only truely discovered its addictive creation as of late. Now not only does my geeky spending habits dwindle my cashflow but now my trips to Sephora and Ulta have made it impossible to really get my finances in order. And when I say geeky I mean geeky. Just last week I dropped almost fifty dollars on my comic books. It's just a good thing I dont live in L.A. anymore because my monthly trips to the scifi convention at the Shrine always made me broke.

I'll just give you a run-through on what this geek has wasted her money on. A Luke Skywalker lightsaber, talking Yoda, over a hundred comic books, marvel cards, more than six hundred movies, hockey memorabilia, posters, and loads of other crap. Oh and dont forget my Heffalump stuffed animals and Rainbow Bright dolls. I did say I can be a child at times. I didnt mean just my attitude, I also meant that I like toys and all that other stuff that come with it.